


this is crazy (but we’ve had crazier)

by heyvelrisa



Category: Original Work
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Royalty, F/F, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), Royalty, Slow Burn, Women in Love, profanity warning, royal guard x royalty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27183211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyvelrisa/pseuds/heyvelrisa
Summary: Clementine's personal guard has no right to be as charming as she is. It's no wonder that she hasn't found a suitor yet. She has her eyes on one person and one person only.Or, five times Clementine and Alexandra almost kissed, and one time that they did.
Relationships: Clementine/Alexandra
Kudos: 11





	this is crazy (but we’ve had crazier)

**Author's Note:**

> gay women in love. that is all. 
> 
> alexandra belongs to @wolfgirladdy on twitter!
> 
> profanity warning !!

v

Clementine was sick of being told to act like a lady. 

It was so hard to hold up her duties as a compliant princess while also trying to convince her parents that she was worthy to become heir to the throne. She knew that Isaac could potentially make a good heir. But Isaac was not the oldest, not the wisest, and had not been working as hard as she had to fight for this spot. Clementine knew full well that Isaac had no intention of becoming king if he could help it, either. Despite this, Clementine's parents were insistent that Isaac would be next to the throne and Clementine would be left to fall behind, to marry a prince and become the queen of another kingdom, one she knew nothing about, forced into silence for the entirety of her reign. 

That sounded like the worst turnout. 

Her parents signed her up for classes that aligned with their beliefs. Most of her classes were beneficial to her in one way or another: heiress or not, she had to know how to be a good queen. But the amount of useless classes piled on top of that— the hours and hours of etiquette training she'd had to endure, the ballroom dancing that she could do in her sleep by now, to name a few— felt like a stifling grip on her life, preventing her from really getting anywhere. She knew nothing about how to defend herself or her people, nothing about how to make real, good decisions on her own, and it was so incredibly frustrating. 

It was for this reason that Clementine often found herself envious of her brother and her personal guard. Isaac and Alexandra were obviously bound to a certain set of rules and duties, but Isaac had been taught more about ruling a country than she probably ever could, and Alexandra was so strong and brooding and just... perfect. Clementine would never be able to measure up to Alexandra's physical strength. That woman was a hurricane, strong and forceful and fast. 

Of course, maybe she could try. Maybe she could start somewhere. 

And so, during Clementine's hour of leisure time between her etiquette classes and dinner, she casually brought the idea up to Alexandra.

"I want you to teach me how to defend myself," Clementine said from where she was lying on her bed, limbs spread out near where one of her books laid untouched on the bed beside her. Alexandra, who was gently thumbing through Clementine's bookshelf looking for a book for herself, turned to meet Clementine's eyes. 

"What prompted this, Princess?" Clementine's heart fluttered in her chest as Alexandra turned to face her. Anyone else who called Clementine 'Princess' would not leave the room unscathed; it was one of her pet peeves for people, especially the arrogant visiting princes, to just call her Princess. It was unprofessional and it felt too dainty for her. It was different with Alexandra, though, dripping off of her tongue like honey. She didn't know why it was different. 

"I'm just frustrated." Clementine sat up with determination. "I feel like I'm not being taught enough life skills."

Alexandra smiled playfully. "What, you mean to tell me practicing the right way to hold a tea cup isn't an important life skill?"

Clementine managed a weak chuckle. "Yeah, well, I just don't see how it could help me if there was an intruder. And I'm obviously not being taught how to deal with something like that." Clementine looked back over to meet her eyes. "So. Will you teach me?"

Alexandra glanced over at the large grandfather clock nestled in the corner of Clementine's bedroom. "I can start. It'll take a while for you to get the basics down, but I think it's a good idea for you to learn."

Alexandra took Clementine's hand to guide her up off of the bed. "We can start in here since you have a lot of floor space and it's more private, but eventually it probably wouldn't hurt to move you to the training quarters." Clementine nodded wordlessly and let Alexandra lead her to the middle of the room. "The first thing you want to do is learn to recognize some of the quick and easiest ways your enemy is going to incapacitate you." She let go of Clementine's hands and reached instead for her bicep, her hand hovering over the skin as their eyes met. "May I?"

Clementine's throat was suddenly dry. She swallowed and nodded wordlessly, and in a swift motion, Alexandra was grabbing her biceps, pinning her arms behind her back and walking her forward, gently pressing her against the wall. Alexandra's movements were slow— much slower than the movements of an actual attacker would be— but the shock of the situation still left her feeling disoriented. Clementine's breath caught in her throat as her guard leaned in a little closer to murmur in her ear. "First rule. Obviously, don't consent to your attacker."

"Obviously," Clementine repeated breathlessly. "What do I do now?"

Clementine could barely focus on the words being said to her, but she tried. The feeling of Alexandra's lips so close to her face was making her feel lightheaded. 

This would be a long lesson.

iv

When Clementine was a little girl, she used to envy the older women who would come in and out of the palace wearing long, elegant skirts with their hair pinned up in intricate designs for court. She would stare at the paint on their faces and wonder if she would be that pretty someday. 

Now that she was older and living that reality, she was over the dangling jewelry and the long dresses. 

Suggesting an outfit swap to Alexandra was probably one of the best decisions she'd ever made. 

Now, she was in her washroom, buttoning up the last button of Alexandra's uniform. The outfit was a bit large on her: the custom tailored sleeves were a bit long, and her shoulders felt a bit too bulky, but other than her nightgowns, she couldn't remember the last time she'd worn such comfortable clothing. She took a moment to study the details on the suit, the golden leaves trailing up her arms against the dark blue fabric of the suit. She lifted the collar to her nose and inhaled, just to smell the familiar scent of Alexandra there, before turning to head back into her bedroom. 

She stopped in the doorway for a moment to collect herself when she saw Alexandra there. She looked a bit out of her element there, her face pinched into something between embarrassment and discomfort as she looked down at herself. Even so, the sight of her took Clementine's breath away. She hadn't gone through the trouble of squeezing herself into a corset, and the skirt was a teeny bit lopsided, but she looked absolutely stunning nonetheless. The peachy tone complimented her skin quite well. Clementine swallowed thickly and took a few steps toward Alexandra. 

"You look better in that gown than I do." Clementine allowed her eyes to travel up and down Alexandra's body one last time. 

"You don't look so bad yourself," Alexandra countered, and Clementine noticed the sudden redness in her cheeks, her refusal to make eye contact. 

"Thank you." Alexandra met her eyes, and Clementine suddenly felt bashful under her strong gaze. If Clementine hadn't known Alexandra for so long, she was sure she would be intimidating. She was so stoic all the time, firm and strong and fiercely brave. There was always a sense of determination behind her eyes. Standing here now, in this dress, she looked... well, like a princess. Strong and brooding and sure. 

Clementine cleared her throat, finally keeping her gaze fixed on Alexandra's eyes rather than trailing up and down her figure. "Well, then. What should we do while we have this power?" 

"Up to you, Princess." Her stoic features melted away, finally, into something more relaxed as she gently smiled, and this is what Clementine loved— to know that she had this affect on her friend, and that no one else could make her smile like that. 

Clementine gave a triumphant smile of her own, wrapping Alexandra's uniform tighter around herself. "Come to the garden with me."

Alexandra smiled a little wider as Clementine grabbed her hand to pull her along. They made their way through the winding hallways of the palace, the path from Clementine's room to the garden so familiar that it felt like they were walking down a worn path. 

They broke out into the garden and Clementine took a moment to adjust to the feeling of the fabric on her arms rather than her skin soaking up the sunlight. She glanced back at Alexandra and caught the moment when Alexandra tilted her head back, eyes shut and arms slightly outstretched to feel the sun's rays on her skin, and Clementine looked away when she felt her face begin to flush. It was warm out in the garden today. 

"Any reason you wanted to come out here?" Alexandra asked, and Clementine quickly averted her eyes when Alexandra's eyes opened to meet her gaze. 

"I just wanted you to feel the sun, since I know you don't get to do that a lot." Clementine was only half joking, but her voice held a teasing lilt to it. She gently caressed one of the red poppies on a nearby bush. "It's so different when you can feel it on your skin, yeah?"

"Yeah." Alexandra closed her eyes again, tipping her head back to the sky. "I don't remember the last time I was outside and not in uniform."

Clementine hummed in acknowledgement and plucked the poppy from the bush, twirling it in her fingers. She looked back at Alexandra, meeting her eyes for a fleeting moment before Alexandra dropped her gaze to the flower in Clementine's hand. With the movement of her head, a couple of loose strands of hair fell from her neatly kept updo. Clementine took a moment to study her face with mild fascination before reaching out to brush Alexandra's hair out of her eyes, gently tucking the poppy behind her ear while she was at it. She felt Alexandra's breath catch, her gaze snapping back up to meet Clementine's, and something passed between them, something foreign and exciting and electrifying. Clementine let her hand linger for a beat longer than she probably needed to. 

"Red is a good color on you."

iii

Alexandra knew she should be asleep, but even knowing that someone else was on duty to watch over Clementine, and even though they were safer here in the palace than anywhere else, Alexandra still couldn't bring herself to just go to bed. Especially because she knew exactly where Clementine would be. 

Alexandra wrapped a robe around herself over her nightgown just to give herself some more coverage before slipping out of her bedroom. She made her way through the now familiar maze of hallways, each twist and turn like a pattern on the back of her hand by now. She slowed to a stop outside of Lilith's nursery. 

Lilith was the queen's youngest daughter. She was only a few months old, and she was crying and eating a lot more often than she was doing anything of any real value. Alexandra knew that babies obviously weren't supposed to be productive, but she had never really been that good with children. 

Clementine, however, was a whole different story. 

Clementine, with her strong will and her rebellious soul and her startling confidence, could hold a child so lightly and rock it to sleep so soundly that they didn't wake up for almost the whole night. She had seen her do it a million times with her baby sister, and now, creeping in the doorway of the nursery, she could tell she was doing it again. 

That was the thing about Clementine. She was so insistent that she wasn't the best with kids— as much as she loved them, she could only do so much to calm them— but how many times had the king and queen allowed Clementine to help the baby settle for the night because she simply had that magic touch?

Through the cracked door, Alexandra could hear the sound of gentle humming. Her heart hammered in her chest as she listened. Clementine never sang in front of anyone except for Lilith. She was always denying that, too— that she had a wonderful singing voice. She always tried to say that she was better at playing an instrument than singing. But Alexandra leaned against the doorframe and closed her eyes to listen to the melodic tune of her smooth humming, lulling Lilith into a deep sleep. Alexandra couldn't see her from where she was standing, but she could visualize the gentle crease of her brow, the light touch of her finger tracing over Lilith's delicate face, the way her eyes were so full of joy when she looked at her baby sister. 

Finally, after Lilith had probably finally fallen asleep, Celementine got quieter, and Alexandra heard a chair creak, implying that someone was getting up. Alexandra could hear Clementine putting Lilith back into the crib, whispering that she loved her, and finally slipped out of the nursery, almost running right into Alexandra. She laughed lightly. 

"It's late. You should be in bed." Clementine reached out and set a gentle hand on Alexandra's forearm, and she felt her breath catch in her throat a little. 

"I don't like not knowing where you are this late at night." Alexandra frowned. "It makes me nervous."

"You knew exactly where I was." She teasingly raised an eyebrow. "And you knew I was in the palace."

"You never know when a princess is going to go on a rebellious streak."

Clementine rolled her eyes and gently shut Lilith's door behind them. "Oh, please. You sound like my father." Alexandra cracked a smile at that. "Besides, you know I wouldn't leave without telling you."

"No?"

"Of course not. I'd want you to come with me."

Something about the way Clementine said it, the way she studied Alexandra's face with such gentle interest as she spoke, made Alexandra's insides flip. "Yeah?"

"Of course." Clementine smiled gently. "I obviously couldn't run away even if I wanted to. But you'd come with me if I ever tried, wouldn't you?"

"Yes." There wasn't even a beat of hesitation. It was something Alexandra had though of before, actually— the idea of Clementine running away from home wasnt so crazy. She was almost certain that it would happen eventually if she weren't fighting so hard to become queen. She wondered what it would be like to run away with her. To scrap their identities, and find a cottage to live in together, far enough from the kingdom that they— Clementine— wouldn't be identified, and take up a life there together, grow together, be together. "I'd go anywhere with you."

Clementine held her gaze for a moment, and then turned away so suddenly that it startled Alexandra. She blinked as Clementine grabbed her wrist and began walking with her hurriedly toward their rooms. 

"It's late. We should go to bed. I think I have classes early tomorrow."

Alexandra furrowed her eyebrows, puzzled. "Not tomorrow. Later this week."

Clementine's grip tightened ever so slightly. "Ah. Well, still."

She finally began to slow down as they approached Clementine's door. She turned to face Alexandra again, and she swore she could see a pink glow on the princess's freckled cheeks. 

"Sleep well, Alex. I'll see you in the morning."

Alexandra's heart fluttered at the nickname. "You too, Princess."

Clementine smiled and held her gaze for a moment, and Alexandra found herself trying to count the little green specks in her golden eyes. Something in her urged her to lean in closer, to actually get close enough to be able to see each and every one, and to memorize them, and maybe get lost in them. Clementine didn't seem to be planning on moving away anytime soon, either. Alexandra's heart gave a strange flutter. 

She opened her mouth to speak, the words tumbling from her lips faster than her brain could catch up with, but the sound of footsteps came from down the hall— the unmistakable clack of a night guard's heels on the marble— and Clementine and Alexandra each instinctively took a step backward. Clementine gave Alexandra a small smile before backing into her room, and Alexandra was left facing a closed door with her heart hammering in her chest as the night guard walked rhythmically past the room. 

Alexandra shook her head a little and began walking almost robotically to her own room, but she knew that sleep would not be coming easily that night. 

ii

"You gotta be faster than that!" 

Clementine's teasing voice rang through the hallways of the palace, and Alexandra could feel her blood pumping through her veins as she ran to keep up. Clementine had escaped her etiquette classes and had been quick to grab Alexandra. They had been playing an intense game of tag— with each other and wirh the other guards— for quite a while. It wasn't even that Clementine was faster than her— Alexandra had been training for years in speed and agility, and Clementine had not— but just as she was almost within reach, Clementine always darted down another hallway, throwing Alexandra off just enough to lose her again. Her triumphant laughter echoed through the halls, and Alexandra gritted her teeth and pushed harder, speeding up a little. Clementine hadn't won yet. 

There was a split second where Clementine stopped running, her back rigid as a ruler, and then she was grabbing Alexandra's wrist and suddenly yanking her into the nearest doorway, reaching over Alexandra to close the door behind them. Alexandra's heart was pumping in her ears, and Clementine was pinning her to the door, her breath coming in quick, sharp breaths as well. The two of them listened, and Alexandra could hear the approaching clack of uniform shoes on marble. The girls held their breath as the clacking approached, paused in front of the door, and then, after what felt like an eternity, finally began to grow distant again. 

They let out the breaths they had been holding at the same time, and Alexandra looked back down at Clementine as her breath fanned over her face. The adrenaline was still rushing through her blood, pounding in her ears, and her eyelids felt heavy. Clementine's gaze locked with hers, and Alexandra was suddenly aware of how close their bodies were. Clementine's arms hadn't moved, hadn't dropped from where they were keeping Alexandra in place. 

"The coast is probably clear now," Alexandra whispered, and Clementine blinked slowly. 

"You're right." She showed no signs of moving away. Alexandra didn't, either. She was too busy soaking up what was in front of her: the sight of Clementine, her Princess, with her perfect hair uncharacteristically askew and her face flushed and her eyes bright with mischief and her breaths coming in quick heaves and the straps of her gown falling down her shoulders. Alexandra reached out to readjust the delicate fabric, gently tugging the sleeve back up onto Clementine's shoulder. The princess studied her eyes with a certain intensity, and it wasn't until Alexandra truly processed the feeling of Clementine's warm body against hers that she realized what they were doing. 

"Princess, they'll be looking for you." Alexandra's voice was still hushed, terrified to break the moment. Clementine gave an easy smile, one that made Alexandra's heart do somersaults in her chest. 

"Let them look. I am clearly very busy."

Alexandra allowed herself a wry smile. "Because pinning a woman to the wall for hours is something that keeps you busy."

"Well, clearly." Clementine smirked lightly and leaned impossibly close. Alexandra was feeling lightheaded. "I mean, I think this is very serious business."

The two went quiet, and for a moment, Alexandra really thought the princess was going to kiss her. Their faces were so close together, and Clementine was looking at her with such unabashed emotion that Alexandra wanted nothing more than to sweep her up in her arms and kiss her until her breath ran out. But she had restraint. And she waited. 

After a long moment, Clementine finally stepped back a little bit, her arms dropping, and Alexandra could feel her face fall slightly in disappointment. It was a foolish thought, to believe that the princess she was paid to protect would kiss her. Alexandra made an effort to keep painful eye contact as Clementine stepped back. 

"We should go to our rooms. Maybe we won't be punished as harshly if they think we gave up along the way."

Alexandra couldn't help the smile that crept to her face. "Whatever you say, Princess."

i

The moon was startlingly bright against the dark night sky, and the beacon of light that it provided was oddly reassuring as Clementine gripped herself tightly. 

The night was chilly, but Clementine ended up finding it to be more favorable than the alternative. It was stuffy in the castle ballroom, where the entire court was there, not to mention the hundreds of guests that the king and queen had invited to this event. 

The event in question was mostly to aid in the choosing of a future groom for Clementine. 

The thought made her feel nauseous. 

She had spent most of her night dancing with men who were almost her age, mostly a bit older, all of whom she had never met before. Many of these men were heirs to their own throne, and all of them had one thing in common: they were arrogant pieces of shit, to put it simply.

Clementine pulled her crimson skirt up around her and sank to the ground, letting the fabric unfurl around her, feeling the grass against her legs. She let out a frustrated huff. She was sick of cycling through young men like they were dinner entrees, picking and choosing which ones were good enough to try again and which ones she wouldn't mind throwing away. So far, they had seldom proven that they belonged anywhere other than the trash. They were all very interested in their own lives and accomplishments, most of which were not very monumental anyway, and Clementine had not had many opportunities to discuss anything of true value, such as democracy or common interests, because they were so quick to brush her off. The queen was meant to be passive and submissive to the king, didn't she know? The woman did not get say over what happened on the throne. Even if she did, these specific men probably would not pay her any mind anyway. 

Clementine let out another hefty sigh and flopped back onto the grass to look up at the sky, ignoring the feeling of her gown being bent out of shape beneath her. She'd been fighting so hard for a lone spot on the throne, and she was losing it fast, letting it slip through her grasp so quickly that she felt like she was being taunted with it. 

The worst part was that she didn't want to rule the throne alone anymore. But the person she wanted to rule it with was virtually inaccessible. 

Clementine tried to imagine the hilarity of watching her father's reaction if she were to tell him about her romantic feelings for Alexandra. Alexandra, her personal guard, her partner in crime, her childhood friend, a commoner. The way she felt was a recent discovery, one that made her breath catch in her throat and made it particularly hard to be around her. There had been an odd tension surrounding them since their game of tag with the castle guards, and Clementine wondered if Alexandra knew how she felt, or maybe even felt the same way about her. The concept sounded so alien, so far away, but it left Clementine's heart doing somersaults every time she thought about it. 

The air shifted a little, and Clementine turned back to the arching doorway of the garden to see Alexandra standing there. Clementine had barely seen her all night. Really, she hadn't seen her much since the game of tag. 

"I thought you'd be out here," Alexandra mused, walking through the archway to sit on the ground next to her. She reached out nonchalantly to smooth the skirt of Clementine's dress, just a little. It was such a normal, intimate gesture, and it left Clementine feeling out of breath. "You're going to ruin your dress," Alexandra continued, her voice soft. 

Clementine groaned and threw her arms over her eyes. "That's the last thing I care about right now."

"I know." Alexandra sighed softly and laid down next to her, and Clementine reached out to grab her hand without really thinking. Alexandra looked over at her. "It's hard for me to even watch. I can't imagine what's going through your head right now."

Clementine turned away from the sky to face her. They were so close that Clementine could feel Alexandra's breath fanning across her face. "You."

Alexandra's eyebrows furrowed the tiniest bit. "Me?" she asked after a moment. 

"You. I want you to join me on the throne."

It took a moment for her guard to process her words. Fear was the first thing that registered on her face, and it made Clementine want to cringe. "Clementine, I'd be a terrible ruler. I honestly believe you'd be better off on your own there." Clementine sighed lightly in weary amusement as Alexandra began to ramble. "You're so— so qualified—for this job. And I'm just not. I mean, I only know what I've seen from you, and—"

"Alexandra, I want to marry you."

Clementine's head was spinning. Alexandra went still next to her, studying her eyes with such intensity that Clementine could see the gears turning in her head. 

"Why? What— Clementine, you know having one woman alone on the throne is scandalous, let alone two! If you marry me your whole country will—"

"I'm in love with you, you idiot."

"What?" Alexandra asked weakly. Clementine swallowed back the distinct taste of bile in her throat.

"I want you on the throne because I love you. And I know there isn't really much we can do about that. But it's how I feel, and I can't keep going around pretending I care about any of these men when I already know what I want." She felt Alexandra weakly squeeze her hand. 

She could feel a weird tension in the air as Alexandra tried to formulate an answer, but the moment was broken as a sharp voice sliced through the air. 

"Clementine!" the King's voice rang out through the garden, and Alexandra snatched her hand away from Clementine's as the princess hurriedly stumbled to her feet. 

"I've been looking all over the palace for you," her father scolded, and as Clementine brushed her skirt off, she vaguely realized that Alexandra had known exactly where to find her. Her guard rose to attention next to her, and Clementine forced herself to meet her father's eyes. 

"I needed a breath of fresh air," she mumbled. 

He looked disdainfully down at her dress. "You're going to ruin your gown."

"I have an entire wardrobe to fall back on if I need to," she reminded him gently. 

He passed right by her comment as if he hadn't heard it. "The Duke of Asterburg is waiting for a dance."

"I don't want to dance with the Duke of Asterburg," she replied curtly, but her father gave her a cutting glare that told her what she already knew: she didn't have a choice. 

Her father turned to Alexandra to address her. "You are relieved of your duties for tonight. Rori will be taking shift for the rest of the night. You're welcome to stay at the ball if you wish, but if you don't intend on changing your attire, we request that you return to your chambers."

Clementine barely managed to hold back an eye roll at the absurdity of changing outfits for an event they'd already been at for half of the night. She forced herself to keep her gaze steady on her father as Alexandra replied, "Thank you, Your Majesty, but I think I will retire for tonight." 

He nodded stiffly. "You are dismissed."

"Goodnight, Alexandra," Clementine murmured, and Alexandra turned to give her a look of sympathy before beginning the trek back to her quarters. 

Clementine's pulse raced with a strange combination of adrenaline and dread, but she followed her father back to the ballroom, trying not to think about the fact that she had no control over anything in her life. 

It was a hard thing not to focus on. 

+i

"I want to show you something."

A week after the ball, Clementine was sitting in her room during her leisure time, a book open in her lap. She wasn't reading it as much as she was scanning the words on the page, not really processing any of them as she ran her fingertips along the edge of the pages. When Alexandra burst into her room with the declaration, it was the first time they had really spoken since that night. Clementine had noticed that Rori and Alexandra had been swapping shifts a lot more lately. It wasn't that Clementine disliked Rori, and she was good at her job, but Clementine was barely seeing Alexandra during the day anymore, and she missed her terribly. 

She was afraid she'd somehow fucked it all up by telling Alexandra what she thought of her, but now she was standing in the doorway again, eyes ablaze and a small, leather-bound book in her hand. Clementine felt her pulse quicken as she looked up at Alexandra, closing her own book and tossing it aside. 

"Close the door," Clementine whispered, and Alexandra obliged, closing the door behind her and moving to sit next to Clementine on the bed. She set the small book down on Clementine's lap. 

"That's my journal. I want you to read it."

Clementine looked at Alexandra, bewildered. She looked so calm. How did she look so calm?

"Shouldn't we talk about—"

Alexandra hushed her and gently touched the book. "This. This is what I want you to read. And to hear."

Clementine gave her a skeptical look, but she held the book in her hands, studied the cover for a moment. Clementine had seen this book before, a few times. On the rare occasion that she had been into Alexandra's room— one that was mostly empty and lacking personality— she had almost always seen it sitting on the desk, and she'd even seen Alexandra carry it around with her a scarce few times, and she had noticed that Alexandra was very protective of it. As far as she knew, no one had ever read it before. Ever. 

She tried to ignore the fact that the book suddenly felt a lot more intimidating. She ran her finger along the spine of the book before gently opening it. 

When she opened it, she landed on a page that had been gently folded at the corner, as if to keep a spot. Sure enough, there was writing on one page, but the other side was empty. A placemarker. The last page of writing was marked with the date two days prior. 

She waited to read it and flipped to the front of the book. "You don't have to read all of it," Alexandra rambled. "I mean, you can if you want to, but the newer stuff is what's really important." 

It was weird to see the looping script of 19-year-old Alexandra, written a couple of years ago. She lightly touched the words before she really started reading them. 

She skimmed through the writing like Alexandra had said to. Most of it was scattered poetry, a few lines scribbled onto the crisp white pages. There were a few miscellaneous doodles, mostly flowers— Clementine noticed a lot of the chrysanthemums that resided in the palace garden, the ones Clementine always gushed over— and a couple of scribbled reminders: switch shifts with Rori tomorrow, meet with tailor next week, court meeting tomorrow. 

The ones that really made Clementine sit and read were the long diary entries. Pieces of Alexandra's mind, little parts of the days she'd lived with Clementine, immortalized in her gorgeous handwriting. She vaguely recalled a time when Alexandra had told her how much she hated her own handwriting, but Clementine had always found it to be so elegant. 

She skimmed through the pages and tried to ignore Alexandra sitting next to her, the guard's eyes traveling around the room, anywhere except for Clementine. A lot of the entries were about Clementine. Her brow furrowed as she read. It was such a foreign feeling to her, to read about herself from someone else's eyes in a way that wasn't strictly political. She was used to reading back notes of the things she'd said and the way she'd acted in meetings and court, but Alexandra wrote about her like she was... well, a person. She wrote about the tasks they did together and the way Clementine smiled and the way her eye noticeably twitched when she was irritated, but only with her father, and things that even Clementine didn't know about herself. 

One specific entry made her breath catch in her throat. It was from just under two years ago, when she and Alexandra had just turned 20. They had spent the day abroad with the king and the queen, as well as Isaac, to celebrate the announcement of the queen's pregnancy with Lilith. Clementine remembered absolutely glowing with pride and excitement that day, so much so that she had gathered the courage to ask Alexandra, another woman, to dance with her just for the hell of it.

Clementine read Alexandra's handwriting with anticipatory care, taking her time even though she was itching to just drink up the text, read it as quickly as she could. 

Clementine has always looked so ethereal to me, too beautiful to be real, but I think that moment when she came to me, eyes ablaze with pure, unadulterated joy, and asked me to dance with her was the moment I truly realized how much I loved her. 

Clementine's pulse quickened as she continued to read. It was hard to focus on the rest of the entry. Eventually, she just gave up, pushing the book shut and setting it on the bed next to her. Alexandra looked at her worriedly. 

"You look... I don't know. I can't tell." Alexandra wrung her hands nervously. 

"I'm just in disbelief. I don't..." Clementine laughed breathily. "Two years. You waited an extra week to tell me? After I had already told you?"

"I needed some time to process what happened. Besides, we've waited for this long. What's another week?"

Clementine shook her head, but she was smiling a little. "Gods, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know." Alexandra shook her head. "You're the future queen." She looked up and met Clementine's gaze, and something about it lit a fire in her stomach. It caught a spark and latched onto it for dear life. 

"If we play our cards right, you will be, too." Clementine reached up to cup Alexandra's face. She smiled a little when Alexandra instantly leaned into her touch, blinking slowly. "But I don't want to think about it for a minute. I want to be a girl in love."

Alexandra smiled gently. "Love. That's crazy."

"We've had crazier.” Clementine brushed Alexandra’s hair out of her face. “Will have crazier.” 

“Probably.”

“Definitely.”

“Definitely.”

Alexandra grinned, one of the widest smiles Clementine had ever seen her crack, and her nose scrunched up a little. She was so beautiful, so delicate looking, but Clementine knew better. The last thing Alexandra was was delicate. 

“Clem,” Alexandra murmured, and Clementine hummed. “Can I kiss you?”

Heat rushed to Clementine’s face, and she felt her stomach twist with anticipation. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask for weeks.”

Alexandra scoffed and playfully rolled her eyes. “Weeks. That’s rich. That diary entry was from years ago. That doesn’t even take into consideration the years of denial and—“

“Are you going to do it or not?” Clementine teased, and Alexandra laughed a little, gently taking the princess’s face in her hands and kissing her with a delicate grace that Clementine knew was only reserved for her. The tight knot of anxiety in her stomach unfurled into the clawing feeling of wanting to be closer to her. 

Alexandra pulled away after a long moment, brushing her nose against Clementine’s, and she felt a giggle of ecstasy bubbling in her chest. 

“I’ve never been kissed like that.” Clementine felt Alexandra laugh lightly against her. “I’ve never been kissed.”

“I’m honored to be your first.” Alexandra pulled back to look at her, still touching her face with care, like she was porcelain that would shatter at the wrong chest. She felt like porcelain, and her heart was beating so fast that she was afraid it would break out of her chest and shatter her entirely. 

It was okay. She trusted Alexandra to put her back together again. 

“Can I be your second, too?”

Or maybe she would be her unraveling in the end. 

Either way, Clementine didn’t even hesitate to close the distance between them again.


End file.
